Thursday, May 27, 2010

Purple Elephant

I worry a lot. Especially as of late.

I blame my mother. And my ambition. Together, I really can't just-sit.

Every day it gets a little bit worse. The anxiety ebbs and flows, but nevertheless present. My white elephant. Although, for personal taste I see it as purple. My giant purple elephant sits in the corner of my living and appears out of nowhere.

I try not looking at it. But it's purple, so I really have no choice.

Ambition is an odd thing. It's a very fine quality to have but at the same time, it kills you. It kills you when you let it sit idle, even for a few months. My ambition does not do idle. If I'm not doing something towards the overall proactivity of my life and my life's goals, I'm pissed. And agitated: no bueno.

When I was 14 I made a decision: I would do it all. I would study, I would play basketball, I would try out for the musical, I would volunteer, and I would run for school president; I would leave no stone unturned. I can proudly say that I accomplish most, except the school presidency-damn you Kyle Copeland. When I reflected on all that I had done that June, graduated with the "Best Student" award, I nodded and told myself that this feeling is what I wanted; I wanted to be impressionable. Wherever I went and whatever I did, you would remember me.

9 years later, I still want that, but it proves, with each passing year, to be more difficult to obtain, or maybe I feel more afraid. Ironic, huh? 14: fearless go-getter, 23-hair twirling worry-wart. I thought the older, the wiser. Hm.

I believe my fear to come from the place of idleness. Yes, I write to you all here, on this blog forum, but after my 30 minutes of writing and editing have passed, I am back.

I've been waiting at the fork in the road for a whole year and well, I'm just over it now. NYU stop torturing me so. L.A. please don't torture me if I go.

One side of the country or the other. I'm going mad.

I need to apply myself. I need to show someone I can do it all. Fear comes from the unknown. And waiting is the infinite unknown.


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